Dear Diary
beautiful catastrophe strikes again
your hearts will ache in ecstasy
feeling sick but so alive
you wonder how you can still smile
(jan 1, 2015)
i imagine dying will be like floating on a cloud, off and off and off. bliss at last.
(jan 4, 2015)
i feel like i don't belong in this body. i feel miles away, worlds even. my insides are so different than my body.
(jan 6, 2015)
little things still make me so happy. movies, books, music, tumblr, fashion. i still love things. people. i still find things beautiful. i'm still alive.
(jan 17, 2015)
nothing is definitive. what controls our actions? how is the brain so vast? how to we feel things? why? are we just an experiment? is anything real?
(jan 23, 2015)
i wish i could go a day without thinking about dying. just one fucking day of peace! i don't want to be sick anymore, i want everything to be okay.
(jan 23, 2015)
i feel threatened by everything these days. everything is scary and sad and i feel so fucking alone most of the time.
(jan 24 2015)
today is my third day at mayo clinic. i realized how lucky i am. it could be so, so much worse. yet i still feel so bad for myself. i don't understand why things happened this way. why is this my reality?
(feb 11 2015)
sometimes i feel comfort in pain, because i'm so used to it. it's what used to make me sharp and aware and powerful. my illness is such a big part of who i am, and that scares me. i don't even know how to feel about happy, positive me. i kind of hate it.
(feb 12 2015)
i've been at rehab for seven days, and i feel so different already. i feel hopeful at last. i am loving more, smiling more, seeing more. i see beauty now, and i feel it but don't let it control me. i don't let pain control me. i honestly feel like i'm going to be okay.
(feb 16 2015)
i feel like my time of rest is over.
(feb 20 2015)
my graduation and rehab are over, but i am not.
(march 4 2015)
today was my first full day back to school in months. it was hellish, but i made it through. i am so proud of myself.
(march 5 2015)
i wish i was self-reliant. all i used to need was me. now i've seen happiness and i want it back. the temptation to crawl in bed is so strong. i can't handle it anymore. i am trying but i keep failing again and again. i was stupid to think things would change.
(march 15 2015)
i just returned home from new york. it was beautiful, everything was. it was so wonderful to do something so progressive, considering where i was two months ago.
(april 4 2015)
i came out to [him] a few days ago. i was terrified and i almost didn't do it. thankfully he was super accepting and said he was happy for me and will support me no matter what. then last night i had my first post-pain clinic panic attack, and i texted him and he was so so nice and helpful. he sent me happy pictures and told me i could do it, that he was proud of me. i feel so happy to have support.
(april 4 2015)
i feel so blank and mopey. i feel like crying until i melt away.
(april 5 2015)
