She Found Herself In a Ghost World
The Story of a Lost Little Girl Who Decided to Take Control of Her Life
Like many teens trapped in suburbia, I’ve had the tendency to get lost among the perfectly cut grass and white picket fences; unsure about my reality and confused about the future. This past year has been a very informative and important one, not for one good or bad reason, but I’m grateful that it happened, regardless of all the tears and laughter. I’m here today to tell all of you that feeling lost is okay, whether that means you don’t know what you want to do after high school, your sexuality, your moral/political beliefs, or simply who you are inside; it’s ok. I have been on that side throughout my life and have been confused about each and every one of those things, but as of today I can confidentially say that I have an answer for all of them.
1. What do you want to do after high school? When I began high school, I honestly wanted to be in the movie industry, whether that meant being a director, a set designer, an editor, you name it, I wanted to do it. This idea had been brewing for years prior because films had always been my escape and because at the time I really didn’t think I had any future or passion in other fields, but that all changed this year. Junior year started off rocky (or so I though) because one of my classes had to be changed. I had signed up for video/media but got changed to Journalism due to a lack of space in the other class. Besides my brief passages on this zine and a couple failed blog attempts, I didn’t have much experience with people reading my work. Through taking this class I learned to LOVE writing more than ever and even when I was assigned something I didn’t care about I still enjoyed the whole process. I am going to be a section editor next year and I’m very excited about the future. In regards to the question at hand, I have decided to peruse a career in Psychology, because this year I also realized how much I want to listen to others and really understand how the mind works, because the inner machinations of mine are an enigma. So if any of you are feeling confused, just know that it’s ok to change your mind, there will be many things (like taking a film studies class) that will show you how much you do and do not care about certain things. It might come to you right now or in a couple years; it doesn’t matter how long it takes because it lies deep inside you and will flourish eventually.
2. What is your sexuality?
Long story short, I have identified as straight for my entire life because I thought it was the only way I should be (family/religious pressure) and I convinced myself that it was who I was. Over the past few months I have really looked deep inside myself to find how I truly feel, which is that I dig girls (more than guys, but I’m not going to close that off completely just yet) and even though I don’t want to label myself, technically I am bisexual. I think it is total fine to identify with a sexuality and bisexual individuals are not confused (and neither am I). One day I might come to the realization that I only like girls, but as of today I can 100% say that I am sexually attracted to both, and there is nothing wrong with that.
3. What are my moral/political beliefs?
I am a democrat/green party and I stand by pretty much everything both parties stand for, but above all else I believe in myself. I feel that we should be taking social, environmental, and domestic issues seriously and BERNIE 2016 is the way to go. I feel this way not because I’m a crazy, delusional millennial, I feel this way because he is honest, genuine, and cares about the American people, yes other candidates claim that, but I actually believe him. Even birds like him. In regards to moral beliefs, I just follow where my spirituality takes me. I believe in love, nature, life, and the universe. I love to meditate and crystals are so helpful. Honestly, just do what works for you and don’t follow any religion unless it’s what YOU believe (you do you).
4. Who are you on the inside?
For far too long, I have let people influence, control, and hurt me. I have let people completely walk all over me and in the process got lost in my own mind. I have been very confused this year with a toxic relationships that I let into my life…as of today, in this moment, I have gotten rid of everyone that I doesn’t serve me. Right away this may seem selfish, but for someone who only cared about others needs and put others before themselves almost all of the time, this is ground breaking. Caring about yourself and “getting rid of relationships” is NOT a bad thing. This is probably the third time I have done something like this in my life and it’s important that ALL OF US look deep inside and shed the people that take advantage of us.
As the seasons change and the flowers begin to bloom again, I finally know who I am. This is the most honest version of myself that has been locked away for far too long. I am a feminist (+ I don’t need a platform to express my opinions), I am creative (+ I only need to make art for myself), I am attracted to women (+ some men), I am a vegan (+ going strong), I have a passion for people (+ for writing), and I love this planet (+ I know I can help save it). I hope in time you all can find yourselves as well, because you will love to meet them.
Songs and films about FEELING LOST + FOUND
Frances Ha (2012) dir. Noah Baumach
“Frances (Greta Gerwig) lives in New York, but she doesn't really have an apartment. Frances is an apprentice for a dance company, but she’s not really a dancer. Frances has a best friend named Sophie, but they aren't really speaking anymore. Frances throws herself headlong into her dreams, even as their possible reality dwindles. Frances wants so much more than she has but lives her life with unaccountable joy and lightness.”
Bare (2015) dir. Natalia Leite
“A young girl in Nevada becomes romantically involved with a female drifter who introduces her to a life of stripping, drugs, and metaphysical experiences that teach her what happens when real life catches up with dark fantasy.”
Cloudburst (2011) dir. Tom Fitzgerald
“A lesbian couple escape from their nursing home and head up to Canada to get married. Along the way, they pick up a young, male hitchhiker.”
Desert Hearts (1985) dir. Donna Deitch
“A group of women on vacation on a Nevada ranch commiserate about their pending divorces, but one inhibited 35-year-old among them (played by Helen Shaver) is particularly maladjusted. She is more rigid and conformist than the rest, and so is especially confused and put off when the rancher's adopted daughter starts to make some obvious overtures in her direction. After a while the up-tight woman realizes that she has strong homosexual tendencies, but she still sees them as "unnatural" and struggles with her own feelings.”
Too Woo Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (1994) dir. Beeban Kidron
“Noxeema Jackson, Vida Boheme, and Chi Chi Rodriguez are gonna show America a thing or two about being fabulous. Dressed to kill, with their Dynel tresses tossing in the breeze behind them, these three stars of New York's drag-queen beauty pageant circuit have hit the open road in a 1967 Cadillac convertible. Destination: Hollywood. But the trio is in for a detour when the car breaks down in the tiny Midwestern town of Snydersville, where drag queens are about as common as August snowstorms.”
Thelma and Louise (1991) dir. Ridley Scott
“An Arkansas waitress and a housewife shoot a rapist and take off in a '66 Thunderbird.”
Look Both Ways (2005) dir. Sarah Watt
“Preoccupation with disasters and a growing sense of mortality threaten to derail the growing relationship between the witness of a train accident and the reporter sent to interview her in this daring drama from emerging Australian filmmaker Sarah Watt. As the weekend draws near, three troubled souls find themselves faced with pivotal, potentially life-changing events. Though the death of her father still looms heavily in her mind, Meryl (Justine Clark) is forced to cut short her bereavement in order to focus on a work-related deadline.”
Ghost World (2001)) dir. Terry Zwigoff
“With only the plan of moving in together after high school, two unusually devious friends seek direction in life. As a mere gag, they respond to a man's newspaper ad for a date, only to find it will greatly complicate their lives.”
The Hours (2002) dir. Stephen Daldry
“Spanning across various time periods in the 20th Century, a drama which revolves around three very different women: two of whom have been profoundly affected by the works of Virginia Woolf; the other woman is Woolf, herself. All three are battling with issues of freedom, responsibility and identity.”
Lost In Translation (2003) dir. Sofia Coppola
“A faded movie star and a neglected young woman form an unlikely bond after crossing paths in Tokyo.”
