Both Sides Now

From the moment we enter this world, judgement and comparison are instilled within us. Whether that criticism be how we look compared to others or that age old question, “What is she doing right, that I’m doing wrong?” Looking in the mirror from as early as elementary school, poking at parts of our bodies with curiosity, wondering why we aren’t as beautiful as the girls in the magazines and on TV. Along with body image issues, I’ve also struggled with understanding and accepting my sexuality for many years. This May will be exactly one year since I came out to my friends and some family members. It’s crazy to think that for so many years of my life I wasn’t being my true self. I would try to dress sexy for guys that looked in my direction, I had small crushes on anyone that would give me the time of day, and I became the type of person who would let others walk all over them. One day I just looked in the mirror, the same way I did as a child, and judged myself once more. Although, instead of pointing out my physical flaws, I looked inward to see what was missing in my life. In retrospect, I can see clearly that the signs were everywhere that I liked girls, but due to my Christian upbringing it was nearly impossible to spread my wings. As cliche as it sounds, I literally felt like a bird in a cage, now that I’ve come out, I can fly as high and as far as my body can take me.

Coming up on my high school graduation in June, I feel as though I am coming to the final chapter in the book of my adolescence, in the best way possible. While my anxiety and depression have been inflamed recently, I know that in time I will learn better coping mechanisms and hopefully I can have the peaceful, centered, and balanced life I’ve always dreamed of. Growing up, while entirely frightening, can also be the most liberating experience of your life. Like the song Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell says, I still really don’t know life at all. Every day is a new chance to learn something and grow as a human being. Right now, I want you to think about how far you’ve come as an individual. From those days of riding your bike on hot summer asphalt to the time you rolled the windows down in your beat up Chevy pickup truck on the way to your high school’s homecoming game, you have been through so much my darling. Those memories of stealing Mom’s Maybelline and trips to 7-Eleven for midnight Slurpees will be with you always. While the bonds you make in your crazy teenage years may not last forever (oh, how naive the saying “BFF” is), blurry visions of those coffee shop afternoons will stay in your heart forever.

If you are also graduating this year, honey I feel for you. Stressing about how you didn’t live life like you were in an episode of Freaks and Geeks or a scene from Dazed and Confused is not worth your precious time. Sing your last ballad as if it was your last song and ignore the doubts you may have in your mind. You aren’t doing anything wrong my dear, you are beautiful just like the stars in the sky and the dirt-covered country roads that lead straight to your home. Looking back, I see all the days I wasted wishing I lived a different life and judging every part of my perfectly imperfect body, but I also recognize that every life is exactly how it’s supposed to be. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even though I can admit that some things I wish didn’t happen to me, as I’m sure you can relate. Instead of wanting things to change, we must change them ourselves. In this wild world, we have to assume that no one will be there to hold our hand across the bridge, but that doesn’t mean that you are left stranded in the desert. As you step into this new universe called “adulthood”, you will meet so many amazing people and the opportunities for growth are endless. You will have your ups and you will have your downs, but life will surely turn things around. Instead of feeling afraid of the uncertainty, be positive and look forward to your totally rad future my friends.

XOXO

Kaitlyn

On a lighter note, here are some of my favorite movies and songs that showcase BOTH SIDES of the story.

Movies